Mr. Happy Crack

Good Thing He's Never Met Don Ho

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 16:44:00 +0000

As Bart Simpson once said, 'showbusiness is a hideous bitch-goddess.' With Mr. Happy Crack's rising profile among the celebrity crowd, The Crack Team has decided to preemptively combine his name with the A-Listers with whom he's been rumored to socialize over the years:

Sheryl Crow = CrowCrack

Courtney Love = LoveCrack

Tommy Lee = HappyLee (we all love a bad boy)

Nicole Kidman = CrackMan

Queen Latifah = CrackQueen

Eva Longoria = LongCrack

Demi Moore = MooreCrack

Lucy Liu = Mr. Happy Lu

And, now that he's single, who can resist Mr. Kid Happy Crack Rock?

Mr. Happy Crack, Jared. Jared, Mr. Happy Crack

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 20:29:00 +0000

The Crack Team is one of twelve companies selected to take place in the upcoming reality show 'The American Dream'. The show will follow a downsized corporate manager and his family as they decide to become self-employed for the first time. Along with all the issues that come with making such a life-enhancing decision, the show will give viewers a first-hand look at what's involved with buying a franchise. Companies from the food, retail, and service industries will be represented; pre-production for the show is scheduled for later this year. Based on the sucess of other reality shows, it's a strong bet that 'The American Dream' will be picked up by one of the major networks for the Spring 2007 line-up.

Is It in You? If So, Where Is It? And Should You Get It Out?

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 20:03:00 +0000

Remember when having a drink of water required a cup and a kitchen sink? Those days are but a distant memory, now that bottled water is an $8 billion industry in America alone. So who's drinking all this? The Crack Team's research department has found that $7.5 billion of the industry consists of our very own Leaky Springs bottled water, a product only available to the tens-of-thousands of homeowners, Realtors and contractors who use our services. So where does the industry's other half-billion dollars go? We're not sure, but we think it's for a 24-pack of Evian purchased retail.

Nip/Inject

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 20:11:00 +0000

Paparazzi are everywhere, and we all know how they capture celebrities at their best and worst. Despite Mr. Happy Crack's water-tight security detail, a photographer from US Daily caught our mascot in a moment which reminds us that celebs have their cracks repaired 'just like us'.

Lest anyone think Mr. Happy Crack was captured in a compromising position, experts with The Crack Team advise that foundation cracks are common and easily repaired with a simple pressure injection. And if you think injections help Mr. Happy Crack's appearance, all we can say is 'they're real and they're spectacular'.

Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Tue, 06 Jun 2006 13:50:00 +0000

This article was sent to us by a concerned friend. We'd like to assure our worried readers that no one, but no one, pushes Mr. Happy Crack.

Kids Busted Pushing 'Happy Crack' | Sploid, 5/18/06

The candied crack craze continues to blaze across the country. This week it claimed another 14 kids in Pennsylvania.

The kids call it "happy crack." Little bags of powder, a potent mix of Kool-Aid and sugar, that guarantees its user a rush like no other. It's been making the rounds at Shenandoah Elementary School. Administrators have finally busted the ring of dealers, handing out three-day suspensions to 24 of them.

The pushers' parents are furious.

"I have no intentions whatsoever of letting thing like this haunt my child," said parent Denise Brown Bey. "The principal did inform me that it was more than just my child. So my outrage is not simply because of my child but because of all of the children."

Bey fails to see the inherent danger of kids pushing this volatile concoction. She's more concerned with her child's future.

"If you see it in writing, he was suspended for 'Happy Crack,' and if you don't know what that is, lots of people will assume it's an illegal substance," she said.

School board member Erin Vecchio's children used to have a problem with Happy Crack. She believes it should be decriminalized.

"My own kids used to make it at school. It's Kool-Aid and sugar," said Erin Vecchio, a school board member. "It's colored. It doesn't look like drugs. It looks like Pixy Stix. I didn't find anything wrong with it."

Penn Hills Superintendent Patricia Gennari refused to comment on the suspension other than to cite school policy.

"The Penn Hills School District's controlled substances policy strictly prohibits, look-alike drugs and particularly the mimic of use and mimic of sale of these substances. The replication of the sale of drugs is a behavior that we cannot foster in our schools."

Last week a child at the same school was suspended for bringing a squirt gun to school.

The Truth about Leaks

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 18:19:00 +0000

Last week The Crack Team received a call from our nation's capital regarding a residence on Pennsylvania Avenue. Apparently the occupants of the House had a leak problem and wanted our professional advice. As it turns out, the leak was a bigger problem than the occupants originally thought and wanted it fixed before it became really damaging. Homeowners beware: please fix your leaks now. If not, you'll regret it later.

Announcing the 'No Crack Left Behind' Act

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 01:00:00 +0000

Today The Crack Team's Board of Directors announced the 'No Crack Left Behind' Act, a program designed to ensure that cracks all over the country get the treatment they deserve. While many cracks have been ignored over the years, we feel it is our obligation to get behind every crack and bend over backward (and forward) to eliminate a problem that tears at the very walls of society's foundation. The Crack Team is looking for entrepreneurial individuals to assist with this noble cause; for more information, contact us at 866-905-5200. Together we can work towards keeping any crack from falling through the...well, you know.

The Same, Only Different

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 17:16:00 +0000

In light of a recent feature in the Wall Street Journal, The Crack Team has received media attention from magazines, newspapers, radio shows, and blogs from all over the world. One of these outlets referred to The Crack Team as 'the Starbucks of crack repair', which we take as a huge compliment considering their branding success and household-name status. We're taking this compliment one step further by offering 'CrackBucks', a coupon you'll receive by requesting an estimate online! So grab your 'Grande Mocha Latte with a sprinkle of this and a schtickle of that' and request your free estimate today.

Lost in Translation

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 21:16:00 +0000

With all the unrest going on overseas, it's nice to know people still have a sense of humor. Last month in Davos, our slogan gained some distinguished notoriety when a foreign embassy employee made a joke about 'a dry crack is a happy crack'. However, most of the foreign press heard it as 'a dr-iraq is a hap-iraq', a perceptable misunderstanding that created a humorous distraction among media and diplomats representing countries around the world. In today's tough geopolitical climate, even those with opposing views can sometimes share a laugh. And we have Mr. Happy Crack to thank.

Win a Date with Mr. Happy Crack!

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 15:22:00 +0000

While Mr. Happy Crack has yet to make People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People list (he was #52 last year behind baseball coach Don Zimmer, but ahead of The Rock), he has a loyal fan base that regularly showers him with gifts, letters, and the occasional piece of naughty-wear. So with Valentine's Day quickly approaching, we're announcing the 'Win a Date with Mr. Happy Crack' contest, which is designed to give his admirers a once in a lifetime chance to spend a romantic evening with our devastatingly luscious mascot.

Simply submit your answers to the questions below to winadate@mrhappycrack.com. The winner will be notified via email and details will follow.

What are your 3 favorite movies?

What are your 3 favorite books?

What would be your ideal evening?

What are your 3 favorite TV shows?

Do you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain?

Crack History Month

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 15:16:00 +0000

As most adults and school children know, February is Crack History Month. Leading into the spring rainy season, February is the ideal time for homeowners to fix foundation cracks while simultaneously acknowledging the contributions of those individuals who have made a difference in the foundation repair industry. The deep and culturally relevant history of crack repair can be found at the Center for Repair and Concrete Knowledge (CRACK), a world-renowned consortium of foundation repair specialists from all over the globe. It should come as no surprise that this prestigious institute selected Mr. Happy Crack as the most influential person in crack repair, and we are honored and humbled to share this news with readers of thecrackteam.com.

Fics Your Cr@cks 2Nite!

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Fri, 27 Jan 2006 17:51:00 +0000

Who doesn't do business online these days? Let's face it, whether you want to Meet Hot Singles Tonight or you're a Nigerian banker representing the multimillion dollar estate of a late client, the internet is the perfect place for you. So as long as you're being productive online, why not check out thecrackteam.com?

You can request a free estimate through our easy-to-navigate site or view 'Facts About Cracks', a feature which answers common questions regarding cracked and leaking basements. Thecrackteam.com also offers officially-licensed Mr. Happy Crack apparel and gifts, so there's something for everyone to enjoy.

While we don't refinance mortgages, we can save you money on crack repair. And even though we don't sell pills to put some spring in your ding-a-ling, we think you'll find our site, um...uplifiting.

Give the Gift of [Happy] Crack

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 19:29:00 +0000

Each Holiday season ushers in some 'hot' gift ideas that become all the rage. Some of this year's popular items include plastic surgery gift certificates, illustrated by the upswing in sales at the nationally-recognized 'Deer in the Headlights' Facelift Centers. And let's not forget those diamond-encrusted tooth-caps at Harry Winston, or the cuddly new 'Obscene Gesture Elmo' at FAO Schwartz.

But for those hard-to-shop-for folks, we recommend mrhappycrack.com. Here you'll find Mr. Happy Crack plushies for the kids, golf balls for the sports nuts and toilet paper for the mildly sick-in-the-head. And we'd be remiss if we didn't mention our best-selling t-shirts, onesies, thongs and bobbleheads, so visit our apparel section and this year stuff someone's stocking with crack.

Yppah Productions

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 21:41:00 +0000

Most of us know Mr. Happy Crack as the internationally-beloved mascot of The Crack Team, but few people realize that he's built a business empire similar to the almighty Oprah. For example:

Like Oprah, Mr. Happy Crack is entering the publishing world by rolling out Modern Crack Magazine, which hits newsstands next week.

Like Oprah, Mr. Happy Crack's white-hot celebrity status continues to shine as he rubs shoulders with celebrities and Kings:

Like Oprah, Mr. Happy Crack's book club, titled 'Crack Open A Book', can bring overnight success to an author. Currently Mr. Happy Crack is recommending (and is repeatedly featured in) 'A Fieldguide to Homeland Stupidity' by Bob Holt, who Dave Barry calls 'a deranged human being and my absolute closest personal friend'.

And if that's not enough, Mr. Happy Crack is even introducing his own Clinical Expert on permanent crack injection work: Dr. Fill.

Will the similarities ever end?

Ain't Technology Grand?

sidney@mrhappycrack.com (Sidney Crackstein) — Mon, 14 Jun 2004 13:00:00 +0000

Technology improves our lives in so many different ways. Tennis balls on walkers. The ability to edit 'Scarface' for regular TV viewing. Low-carb rat poison. And of course, foundation crack repair. With our revolutionary TeamFlex resin, The Crack Team injects a flexible liquid urethane through your foundation wall, which cures to a permanent, yet flexible, seal. TeamFlex will 'give' with the seasonal movement of your structure and is engineered to last forever, which is why The Crack Team offers a lifetime warranty on crack repair. So to all you technophobes, we say pause your Betamax, pick up your rotary phone and call The Crack Team today for your crack repair needs! Or, contact us for a FREE estimate!